Rose Petals In The Wind
by pottrprincess
Summary: Hermione faces one of the greatest challenges of her life as she and her many lovers attemp to solve the mystery of a lifetime.friendships suffer and love abounds. CRACK! co written with Slytherinqueen83 !
1. Chapter 1

AN- I hope you brought your diapers because you're gonna shit your pants! Prepare for the 'crackiest' crack fiction on ! This is a story my friend Slytherinqueen83 and I came up way too early in the morning at school. Please read this with a sense of humour and fellow it till they end it'll make sense... probably.

Hermione POV

Hermione shivered in her bedroom asleep, in the Burrow lit only by a single candle almost melted down, sending the scent of Apple Crumble wafting through the air, in her dream Hermione dreamt of buying more candles when they went on sale. Lightning struck the vast field surrounding the Burrow. The bedroom shared by two saucy witches smelled of delicious sperm and the cologne of the last nude man in the room, one of Hermione's many male companions.

It had been 37 hours 6 minutes and 89 seconds since the final battle had destroyed Hogwarts and taken many of her friends and more importantly lovers, leaving Hermione emotionally distraught sending her into a frenzy of hormones leaving her basically humping her pillow, it had been an excruciatingly long time since she had got some, 3 hours to be exact.

*Flash back*

I was walking down the rumbled strewed hallways of Hogwarts School; the battle was in full swing. I turned and saw the Weasley twins swaggering sexily down the hallway. I whistled to get their attention and did the first thing that came to mind and lifted up my shirt. I gave them a good ten seconds of goodie time before lowering my top over my bodacious breasts. I then mouthed the room number for them to meet me in the charms class rooms, they hurried off immediately. It was not the first time we've had one of these encounters we've had exactly 18 sexual experiences together in various locations around the Castle and the Burrow and once a very erotic experience in Hagrid's pumpkin patch. So they knew what to expect and brought the necessary items; a rubber duckie (blue), a wooden paddle, and Jolly Ranchers without the green ones because seriously who likes the green ones?

I walked into the charms class room the twins smiled their pants already off and the windows wide for all to see, I dropped my skirt, and attacked. The poor rubber duck was scared for life...

Flash back ended*

Hermione woke with a start not sure if it was from the sensual dream or the sudden craving for pickles and cookies. She slipped her skimpy laced bra and panties, it's not like everyone hadn't seen Hermione before. She slowly and quietly slumped down the stairs careful to avoid the noisy stair as to not wake Mrs. Weasley. She made her way to the pantry in the kitchen and reached to open the door to reach the delicious treat, when something caught her attention. Percy was sitting at the table eating a juicy thick pickle. She walked ignoring her other craving of cookies, "Good morning Percy" Hermione said sitting on the table right in front of him. He looked up getting a lovely site of her large chest.

"Morning Hermione" He responded, she noticed his lingering eyes and realised he was the only Weasley brother that had not hopped on the Herman train. Wondering how this could have happened she leant down, keeping eye contact with him the whole time and deep throated the remainder of his 6 inch pickle. Percy's eyes widened as she stood up, "I hear you've quit your job at the Ministry" Hermione said reaching back to unhook her bra. Percy's eyes widened even more his mouth a gap.

"Ugh... well seeing as there's technically no more Ministry, I'm out of a job either way" He responded standing up and undoing his trousers.

"Oh, that is just too bad" Said Hermione with a pout as she lowered her panties to the floor. "What do you think you'll do now?" she asked, bending over the table, her plump rear in the air.

"I'm sure I'll find something to occupy my time with" Percy replied, as he stepped towards her, moonlight streaming through the window illuminating the sight of Hermione's arse.

"Well there are plenty of ways that we can find to keep you...busy" she said as Percy placed himself behind her. He slid into her roughly obviously knowing she wasn't a virgin. The sweet sounds of their love making echoed through the house as the dawn broke. Percy was moaning loud enough to wake the whole house but the Weasley's were accustomed to this kind of noise and slept soundly. He gave one last thrust and pulled out spilling his love seed all over the floor.

Hermione sunk to table spent, breathing hard. Percy was on the floor recovering as she redressed, "That was amazing," Percy said in awe. "Hermione, I think I love you."

Hermione looked down at him mentally rating him and his performance; his comments didn't faze her she got this a lot. He was at best 3 out of 5 somewhere between the pumpkin patch and the time with Ernie Macmillan in the back of the horse drawn carrages.

"I'm sorry Percy I can't deal with this right now you have to understand, I like a bird I need to be free," She said as she left the kitchen and the last Weasley to cross off her list.

When she got back to the shared bedroom Ginny was already up. "You're up early... how was it?" Ginny said as she pulled on her dressing gown.

"3 out of 5" Hermione responded pulling on her jeans.

"No pumpkin patch eh?" Ginny laughed sitting on her bed watching Hermione with hungry eyes remember their first time together.

"No, I'm not sure anything can live up to that day," Hermione said reminiscing "Your brothers certainly know how to treat a lady," Bending down to pick up a book she had dropped before last night's sexual encounter with yet another ginger. Hermione heard Ginny gasp loudly and stood up surprised, looking at Ginny.

Ginny was staring at Hermione with eyes the size of dinner plates, hand to her mouth. "What?" Hermione asked a little freaked out... and a little turned on.

Ginny walked over to her and grabbed her hands and leading her to sit on the bed. She placed her hands on Hermione's abdomen, "Hermione... you're pregnant."

AN- Hop on the Herman train and review!

The next chapter should be up soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione took one look in her friend's eyes and knew that she was telling the truth. Hermione was having a baby. She had a bun in the oven. She was knocked up, expecting, with child. A sperm had attacked her nest of eggs and fertilized. But one question remained strong and in the forefront of her mind...WHO WAS THE FATHER?

"But Ginny...what am I going to do? Hermione asked her friend seriously. "I've never had a baby before!"

"well what you've got to do...what I would do, would be to rate all the men you've been with in the last few years and figure out which one is the best, then if you still can't figure out who the baby daddy is then you can just lie and say that it's his." Ginny said matter-of-factly.

"Hmm... you may have a point there...but I still have to tell everyone don't I? I mean the sooner the better right? Maybe one of them can help me figure out who the father of my baby is." Hermione said biting on her nails.

Hermione and Ginny dressed quickly and went down to the kitchen. Hermione strategically placed herself between Ron and George, placing a hand on each of their thighs. "How was your sleep Percy?" Hermione asked innocently.

"Well it couldn't have been better than mine" said George with a wink. Hermione laughed saucily, her hand still placed high on his thigh.

"I'm pregnant!" burst out Hermione.

The kitchen went into an uproar. Nearly all the mouths in the room dropped and Bill, who was standing up, dropped his plate to the floor with a clatter. There was a chorus of 'it's mine's and 'I'm going to be a father's as each brother that was on Hermione's list of conquests assumed that the inevitable baby was their own. Ron dropped to his knee.

"This is a bit sudden so I don't have a ring, but you are the sun that lights my life with your beauty, I've never loved anyone as much as I love you Hermione Granger. Since the first moment I met you I knew that I wanted to love you forever. Our friendship means so much to me, but not as much as the love I feel for you. You are an amazing, lovely, smart, beautiful, pretty, attractive, sensual, nice looking, sexy, romp in the sack. I would be honoured to live with you and love you, having you there to make me delicious sandwiches and raise my children."

Hermione was flattered, and covered her mouth with her hand, gasping loudly. "Oh Ron! That's beautiful, and I'm very flattered, really, but I don't think that this is your baby. I need to figure this out on my own. Only I can know when the time is right to settle down, and fall in love.

Ron was visibly devastated. "I understand what this is about! You just what to be promiscuous and sell your wild oats to everyone in the field...you are a WHORE Hermione!" and with that he ran from the room, tears streaming down his face.

"How dare you?" yelled Bill and Percy in unison as they chased Ron out the door, threats of violence issuing from their mouths.

"Can we talk?" whispered George in Hermione's ear. He didn't wait for her to respond but continued "meet me in my room in ten minutes"

Hermione nodded and watched as he left for his room. She walked to grab a glass of water to calm her down, this whole morning had been way too much, and she needed a way to relieve her stress. Taking a minute to wait while Mr and Mrs Weasley ate their breakfast unperturbed, she followed George up the stairs. She didn't bother to wait ten minutes as she went into his room and sat down on the bed.

"It was the pumpkin patch wasn't it?" asked George as he sat down beside her. "I know this is hard, but Fred would have wanted this...us to be together. He loved what we had you know? I know you don't want to get married or anything but I really think we should give this a shot, love."

"I think you're right George" Hermione said "The pumpkin patch was the moment...but I'd be lying to you if I said that I knew for sure...I mean, I slept with so many other people before and since then...we don't even know how far along I am yet."

"I know Hermione, and I don't care, I've got a good feeling about this, we can figure this out." He said.

"George...I love you. This is it, it's the moment I finally turn my life around and start fresh after everything I've done..."

"That's brilliant Hermione, I don't want you to have to change for me but you should really try to turn your life around...I won't lie to you, you were a hoe."

"Does this mean we have to give up our annual trip to the pumpkin patch?" Hermione asked, placing her hand on his chest.

"Of course not, that will be our one little exception" he said with a wink.

"Good, I don't know if I could quit cold turkey!" Hermione said "I think I would explode!"

"Don't worry love, I can make you explode all on my own"

Hermione turned towards him after their sensual activities.

"I want to be completely honest with each other, all right?" she asked.

"Of course, but you know you have to tell me everyone that you've slept with right?" George asked her seriously.

AN: Tune in next time for more of Hermione's adventures!


	3. Chapter 3

Hermione's Sexy Journal

(ratings out of 5)

Viktor Krum 2

Snape 4

Cedric Diggory 1.5

Charlie 4

Harry 3

Ron 2

Neville 5

Seamus 3

Dean 4.2

Ginny 3.8

Bill 4.3

Lavender 1.2

Lupin 4.5

Sirius 4.8

Kingsley 4.3

Harry's cousin Dudley .2

Dedalus Diggle 2.8

The conductor of the Hogwarts express 4.9

Dobby 3.1

The kitchen elves 3.9

Filch and Mrs. Norris 2.5

The giant squid 4.8

Buckbeak 3.5

Hagrid 3.5

Professor Grubbly-plank 1.9

Ernie Macmillan .9

Nearly Headless Nick .1

Lockhart 2.1

Mad-eye 4.6

Ted Tonks 3

Anthony Goldstein .7

Aberforth .5

Blaise 4.2

Draco .5

Crabbe and Goyle 3.9

Fred and George 5.3

Firenze 2.2

Grawp 1.2

Lucius Malfoy 4

Ludo Bagman 1.9

Barty Crouch Jr. 4.1

Cornelius Fudge -3

Dawlish the auror 3.5

Lee Jordan 4.9

Xeno Lovegood 4.5

The Boggart in Lupin's office 2.7


End file.
